Crazy but cool...(and hot too!)

Life has been crazy lately. A good kind of crazy though.

The kids started school, and thankfully, they love the new school and the close proximity of the school to our house. I'm excited for them that they're able to all be at the same school (this year anyway) .

My life has been interesting too. Kind of crazy. I have met some pretty cool people this past summer, and even Jon has made a friendly come-back into my life. As a friend, nothing more.

My most recent development in the romance category came in July. I'll call him Hotlanta, because that's his nickname when I refer to him to my girlfriends anyway. You can use your powers of deduction to guess where he's from.

The short story is he's a great guy in the middle of a divorce and pretty much everything I've ever asked for. On top of that, he's reminding me every time we're together what it's like to be treated like a lady. I'm enjoying our friendship at this point, and we'll see where it goes from here. As my friend Nicole pointed out on Labor Day... it's been about 2 months now, so I guess we'll see. He comes to visit again soon.

So, that's a mini update on me. Life is still a bit upside down at home, but we're getting settled... it's one of those things that moving you still need pieces here and there to feel like you've moved in and have a place for everything... unfortunately, I still have to find money to buy the places for everything. We'll see how it all works out.

My new favorite song is TOES by the Zac Brown Band.

Life's Twists and Turns

So, I am going to be gainfully employed once again. I'm excited.

Here's the kicker. We're moving to Florida. At first I thought the road trip would have to be canceled, but then I realized, it doesn't really matter what the destination is, we really are on a trip no matter what. So our cross country adventure has changed a bit, life has created a new road map for adventure for me, both literally and spiritually.

I am currently writing this from my desk in my room in Pittston, PA, where we currently (for the next week) reside. As I type, I'm surrounded by piles of personal items and boxes, that have been pulled out of drawers, closets and shelves, so that I can pack my things. I hate this kind of chaos.

So here's what has gone on on the past several weeks. I went on an interview and landed the job. Simple enough it seems, but in this economy it seems like a major feat. In addition, I went on a massive and quick search for a place to live, and came up with one half of a duplex in a great area of Fort Lauderdale. Thankfully, my history of living there, coupled with my friends and family still living there helped making the search for a place to live a little easier. The schools are great, so I'm excited about that for my kids.

Next, I began the drive back north... stopping briefly in Atlanta to see a friend (while I was half awake and feeling ridiculously tired from the overnight drive) for his birthday lunch. I continued north to Greenville and slept well for one night then packed up and drove north again to Pennsylvania, where I arrived at a god-awful time in the morning somewhere around 4:30am, and collapsed into my bed.

That felt fantastic.

The past two days have been anxiety filled for the most part, trying to come up with a plan, secure a truck, try to find someone to drive it, try to pack up my belongings and those of my four children's in 5 days and turn around to head south again. Yeah, anxiety. Thankfully the kids are enjoying this... and have been quite helpful in ditching a lot of the unnecessary stuff.

Our place in Fort Lauderdale is considerably smaller than here, so we are really just going to try and take our basics.

I feel like a gypsy. I long for the chance to be settled somewhere... despite the plans to travel extensively, I just really wish I had a permanent home base. I envy people who haven't moved their place of residence.

So I am taking a quick break from the packing tonight simply because it was too hot today to do much of it, and then tonight we've been going full force since dinner, now I am taking a few minutes after a phone call to sort through random thoughts in my head.

I met someone I am really interested in getting to know better while I was in Florida. He doesn't live nearby, but he does travel there a lot for business. We had a "date" night if you will, but what has surprised me was that he kept in touch... and continues to do so. I also enjoyed being treated like a lady. Despite being a northerner by birth, this guy has manners and southern charm all over him. I guess we have that part in common. Haha!

Anyway, because it's just interest at this point, and nothing more, I- as always- keep an eye open. One night, while still in Florida, I had maybe one beer too many while out with my friend Jessica, and when I got home to the empty condo (kids were with their dad), I sent a text to Jon.

It was pretty straightforward, asking why he felt the need to hurt me so much when all I ever did was love him.

Gotta love those kind of texts.

After a brief dialogue, I felt that I had said my piece, and left it as, you knew where I have stood, you know what I want... if you want it as badly as you have said you do, the ball's in your court... just hope I'm still available for the game when you decide what to do.

I didn't get the chance to be clear with him in Maryland.

Anyway, I felt pretty good about it and it felt like I closed the door on the whole situation... Obviously, he wasn't about to make any changes, and I was making every change in the world.

It was the last contact I had with him. Until tonight.

He called tonight, and honestly, it wasn't about anything other than checking in... he dropped his son off at the airport, was on his way back home, and he decided to call me. I was cordial, but not at all anything else. I won't talk to him again unless he calls. I told him I was moving later this week, and explained where, and told him about the job, etc. So he was caught up on my life... in that I was moving forward.

I am always surprised when he does that... he knocks me off kilter all the time with that. But I can say that this time, it didn't hurt as much. I have done a pretty good job of bolting off that door and moving on to the next one.

I look forward to the future, I look forward to the chance of finding someone to spend my life with... to have fun with, to settle down with... and just the ability to raise my kids and send them off as young adults with potential for greatness. I pray that I will find love and build a happy home of my own. I know that it's out there for me. Somewhere.

I had a conversation with a guy the other night that I've known for over a year and we were talking about ourselves when we were younger. I found myself sharing memories that I hadn't ever mentioned to anyone before, it wasn't that they were difficult, it was just they were nearly forgotten. It was interesting to realize in that moment that I wasn't holding back any part of me, I was just speaking in the moment, some things that were very personal to me, but yet, it was comfortable. I enjoyed that moment right there. We laughed about the silly things we did as kids. I feel stronger knowing that the Beatles were right.. "I Get By with a little help from my friends".

Rambling is probably my strongest writing ability in the whole free-journaling experiment here. I will start in one place and end up somewhere completely different. But that's what makes what I do more honest. It's that moment where you just start typing and let your brain take the words where you need them to be. There are so many times I just let myself type and then when I re-read what I've written, my conundrum in life suddenly makes sense again. Odd, but it works.

I have to get back to packing, but I know I've written a lot about Jon in this particular blog, and I felt it was probably best to get him out of my head and into this journal before I went crazy analyzing his motives for calling me... which were probably just because he was lonely and sad that he dropped off his son and he knew I would understand. That's probably it.

Besides, my newish interest in the new guy I've met is helping me to see that men who really want you will chase you. Men who are truly interested will make it a point to stay in touch with you, to show you that you're wanted and needed...

Side note again, I watched Shopgirl (Claire Danes) Friday night, and it was really good. Odd, but good. One of those movies where you didn't really think the ending was going to go that way, but it did. And it was okay for doing that... more like the way life really plays out.

Ok, it's nearly ten pm and I think I'm just going to hit the sack, go to bed and pack more tomorrow. A good night's rest will surely help me more than packing tonight and being tired tomorrow.

I'm Florida bound in a few days again!!! Whoohoo! Ok, now, anyone wanna drive a truck from PA to FL?

Whirlwind of a Week!

I know I haven't posted in a while, and for the people who are following, I am sorry. It's been a whirlwind of a week and on top of that, I haven't really had a chance to sit with decent internet service.

So, here's the run down. We arrived in Nashville last Wednesday, and from the first night, the fun was ON! I met up with my friends and we went down to Losers, saw everyone we knew and I was just living it up again. The kids had a blast because they were at Todd's with his kids. The kids barely left the pool.

By Friday, we moved our location up to my friend Mark's house, so that we could hang out with some of my more Nashville based friends (he's in West Nashville). I had the Michael Jackson Tribute party on Friday night, but then on Saturday, the kids spent the entire day of the 4th with J.J.'s kids and Mark and J.J. and I hanging out by the pool. Our fun was interrupted by news of Steve McNair's passing. He was only an acquaintance of mine, but a good friend to several of my friends. Despite anything the media says regarding his personal life, I can simply say that Steve always treated me with respect, always had a smile on his face, and treated those around him with the utmost of respect. He was a guy who despite his millions, would give you the shirt off his back. He loved Nashville and the community as a whole. So that was sad because a great guy was killed by a crazy woman on the 4th of July.

The storms began rolling in that evening, and with some severe thunderstorms and tornado warnings, we decided to just enjoy the fireworks from the comfort of J.J.'s apartment. Later, I snuck out with J.J. watching the sleeping kids to see if I could find anything else out about Steve's passing. We just wanted to know what happened.

Sadly, going out to my favorite bar ended up being just one of those moments that was very depressing. I cried for my friends who were hurting, and shared toasts to a great man that we lost that day. It was senseless, as I had seen him out on the town myself on Wednesday and Friday.

I really did enjoy spending time with my friends though. Mark treated the kids and I to an early dinner at Blue Moon Lagoon, and the kids really enjoyed seeing the turtles and fish right off the dock.

I talked with J.J. about a job at her company... and sent my resume in, as well as talked to someone there about setting up an interview on Monday.

By Monday night, I was tired and wanted to start the drive to Florida. My own emotional turmoil over the past month plus the news of another person lost to senseless violence just wanted me to get somewhere I could rest. Added to that, I was tired of sleeping on an air mattress.

We loaded up the car on Monday night and headed south, only as far as Murfreesboro, where we crashed for the night at a Knights Inn. We slept SO well, and when we got up on Tuesday, we were all refreshed.

The drive from Murfreesboro, TN to Fort Lauderdale was in one word, LONG.

It was a 13-14 hour driving day, when you took the time change into account. The kids were excited to see their dad, and getting antsier and antsier as time passed. Once we hit the Florida line, I was asked about 1000 times if we were there yet. The answer, for about 5 hours was, "no".

When I pulled into South Florida, I met up with Frank and dropped the kids off at a Pollo Tropical parking lot in Deerfield Beach. I drove straight to my parents condo, and walked in the door and fell into the bed. I woke up eleven hours later, thanks to the hurricane shutters and a dark room.

I can't describe fully the odd feeling of relief to drop the kids off with their dad, and then also the pit in your stomach of not having them by your side at the same time. It's a very interesting feeling.

My first order of business was to see my grandmother, then meet Melanie for lunch at Einstein Bros. We ended up planning on getting together the following day, and since it is her birthday weekend, we made some tentative plans. I made a few phone calls to local friends and ended up meeting up with my friend Tyler from high school at a hole in the wall bar in Fort Lauderdale, where we drank a few beers, hit up the jukebox, and I watched him and a couple of his friends play a couple games of darts. He ended up having an impromptu barbecue with several other of our friends from high school. I had a blast that night, and really enjoyed seeing everyone for the first time in about 10-13 years.

That was Wednesday night. Thursday, I got up again around 11am, then decided to head towards the beach. I was craving a LaSpada's hoagie. It didn't disappoint. Melanie and I met at the beach and we ended up going for a long walk along the beach while talking and just generally goofing around. It was almost a 5 mile walk along the shore. I felt good about working off the hoagie.

I went to see my old neighbors, who looked exactly the same, years later, except for their kids, who had all gotten older and bigger. Then, I went home to the condo, saw my mom and sister (who had just gotten in from Orlando and the American Idol tryouts) and got ready for the night out plus dinner with my dad who was flying in as well.

We had a quick meal at Flanagan's (yum!), and Melanie met us out there. Melanie and dropped off her car then we decided to meet up with Pierre and Tyler at their house for a few drinks before heading out. Well, it didn't take long until we decided to just go out with them to the Briny Pub on Atlantic Blvd. Tyler's friend was playing there, and it was getting close to midnight, so we decided it was time to head out and ring in Melanie's birthday at a bar, instead of on Tyler's couch.

It was so much fun again, just innocent silly fun. After the bar, we came back and got on a golf cart, and rode around Tyler's neighborhood, stopping at the 7-11, then at several friends houses, and even Tyler's dad came out to say hi.

Out of control. I laughed so hard last night.

Because we were all drinking, they told me to just crash there, so I ended up curling up and came home to the condo this morning to shower, change and finally head out to Panera Bread for several cups of coffee and the ability to sit somewhere and be ONLINE.

I know my sister and her friends are going to be happy I finally updated. I've been getting constant messages that I needed to. Tonight's agenda is probably heading down to the Round Up in Davie with another bunch of friends from high school. These past few days have been such a blast, that I really am considering moving back down to South Florida, and have also sent out several resumes while sitting here at Panera Bread. I'm just at that point where I need to do something, and I might as well be somewhere that I know people. It's time for a new start for me. A new chapter to the novel of my life.

We'll see what the weekend brings...

Almost ready to hit the road again...

It's been a long few days here in Nashville. There has been laughter and tears.

Anyway, I have more to post, but right now, I simply don't have the time... I hope to be able to post something soon, but it will probably be once I get to Florida. I'll have time to sit with my thoughts - and an internet connection, while the kids are with their dad.

Thoughts from the poolside...

We saw UP today with my mom. I had tears flowing within the first 15 minutes of the movie. Now, that's a great movie! It was so beautifully done. Just had to mention that first.

If you haven't seen the movie, just go see it. You won't be disappointed. Pixar never disappoints, and the story, well... it was cute.

I've been giving my life a lot of thought lately, and I guess this adventure we're on currently is one of those things that's a spiritual and physical trip. Some of my friends know I've been through a lot in the past few years, and I guess that's what has me all sorts of floating in a non-direction. This trip is the first thing I have planned and successfully executed in quite some time. Circumstances outside of my control usually deflate most of my plans. This time around, I keep praying for the opportunity to have this time with my kids, the opportunity to explore the country. I keep praying that nothing puts this trip on hold.

In the movie today, life happened, derailing Ellie's plans to ever make it to South America. That was the trip that she wanted to be on. I'm enjoying the scenery along the way, but I am trying to hang on to the adventure. Just as far as we've come already, even though much of it is familiar territory in a physical sense, my emotional adventure has taught me leaps and bounds. It's been a trip so far of emotional growth.

I was writing lyrics last night, just scratching a bunch of things down on paper and typing them into my files in the computer too. One particular lyric went like this:

I've loved and lost, I've loved and shown men the door, but through all the heartaches and breaks, I learned to love myself more.

I think the above is the reason why I haven't been totally torn up about Jon. Yes, he said everything that I ever wanted to hear that Friday night, but I was married to a man battling alcoholism. I have learned to not place much value in words spoken to me, through my own life experiences. I place value on the action following the words spoken.

However, it seemed that somehow I thought Jon's word meant something just because he isn't battling alcoholism, even though I don't really trust what anyone else says to me at face value, I somehow gave him a free pass. He had never let me down before with his words or actions. He had always backed them with the same action. This time, I was disappointed, not in him, but in myself for finally noticing that I had been believing his words and seeing his actions through rose colored glasses in the past.

I was immediately able to detach myself and my feelings for him because of this realization. For that, I am grateful. I am not sad, because I know that inability to put your words into action is a sign of weakness, and to love someone takes courage. Therefore, loving someone means taking chances, leaping off the ledge for them and putting one foot in front of the other to turn dreams and desires into actions.

I'm worth that. I'm worth it, to have a man who says he loves me to put that love into action, and make it work.

Just like Carl finally decided to put his dreams for travel into action - with first plane tickets that he never got the chance to use, and then by sending his house on an adventure lifted off with balloons... I'll wait for the man who decides to put his words into action with me too. Why? I'm worth it.

And now, since Mom has joined me out by the pool, I guess my train of thought for the moment will take a small break and enjoy conversation with her and the sunshine and breeze. Why? We're worth it. :)

A Fun Filled Weekend...

Saturday was a lot of fun, we woke up and then we all went out. My dad took the boys to get hair cuts, to the Confederate Museum in Greenville, and then down to Falls Park before meeting up with us for lunch at Wild Wings.

My mom and I took the girls and we went to this really great little place called The Beaded Frog. It's a jewelry place where you make your own jewelry. You pick out the beads and everything. The girls and I all made a set of earrings. Mine ended up being a really interesting mix. There were these beads made out of recycled bottlecaps, so I got to use those as part of my earrings. I found some unique beer bottlecaps, with the colors black, yellow and red in the cap and then created the earring around that.

We met up with my dad and the boys for lunch, then we did the Mice on Main search, which is really a unique thing! You have clues and have to find these small metal mice, hidden all over Main street in downtown Greenville. The kids had a blast searching for all the mice.

It was a HOT day, and when we got back, we all collapsed in the air conditioning for a while. My parents and I uncorked a couple bottles of wine before turning in for the night, so it was nice to sit and chat with them for a while after the kids went to bed.

This morning, I woke up early (had to set the alarm on the phone) and the boys and I had plans to visit Carowinds, an amusement park that's right on the North Carolina and South Carolina border- quite literally! We started off our day by eating breakfast with my parents and the girls at Tommy's Country Ham House, which is my dad's favorite little breakfast spot! It was absolutely delicious!

The boys and I got on the road, and about two hours later we arrived at Carowinds. We spent half the day in North Carolina and half the day in South Carolina, riding rollercoasters and even getting splashed by the Whitewater falls ride - it's not just a splash zone, it's a SOAKER zone. I watched people for a while get hosed by the splash, coming out absolutely drenched to the bone, then after a while decided I was hot enough to put the bag down and get splashed myself. The boys, of course had already been soaked. We rode EVERY major rollercoaster in the park, and then a few side rides too. It was a long day, but we had a blast!

When we got back, my mom's cousin Gregory was at the house with his wife and kids, so we all got to meet them and have a great dinner. The sun sapped us all of energy, and it wasn't long before we all decided to turn in for the night. I'm on my way to bed right now, as I'm typing this, I'm in my pjs and in the bed! Yawn... had to update about our fun weekend. Now I'm trying to find something to do with the kids tomorrow that will be predominantly in the shade.

Guess I'll figure it out tomorrow...

In Greenville, SC

We arrived in Greenville, SC last night. We watched the news regarding Michael Jackson's death and Farrah Fawcett's death on ABC last night and then hit the sack. It was a pretty relaxing evening.

The drive here was fairly quick, it only took about 7 1/2 hours to get from Cobb Island, MD to Greenville. We passed through Richmond, where I pointed out to the kids that it was the capitol for the Confederacy. I tried to get them to go to Williamsburg, but I was outvoted on that front. They just wanted to get to Mema's & Pepa's house.

In the end, since it was an extra hour each way to the coast, they won.

And so I drove, with the unfolding of the Michael Jackson drama updates being texted to me, or just listening on the radio as each station could talk about nothing else. I mentioned to Frankie that it was going to be one of those days that people talked about for a long time. For instance, you'll remember where you were when you heard that Michael Jackson died.

There was a comment made by Kaitlyn in the car that right now I am cursing myself for not writing down or recording on my voice recorder, because it had me laughing. It was her innocence in saying it that made it so funny. Oh... I remember now! While I was on the phone with my mom, the Kaitlyn and Joey were messing around in the backseat, being generally obnoxious. Frankie had a sore ear (swimmers ear) and had asked them to knock it off. I also had asked them to quiet down earlier. Well, Frankie reached back and pulled Kate's hair... when I got off the phone, I reprimanded Frankie for the hair yank, and then Kaitlyn said that she wanted her hair long and full like mine and "Mom hasn't had her hair pulled in a long time".

I laughed and said, "You're right Kaitlyn". Then I chuckled again to myself and thought about what a shame that was.

The kids finally settled down and Madelyn even had a dream about fairies while she took a quick nap in the far back seat. She was very animated in her description about her dream. It was really cute.

Frankie was super concerned with every Michael Jackson news update, and then we finally just turned on some tunes and jammed out for the rest of the ride. I called my friend Ansel Brown as we were driving through Charlotte, as I remembered that his home base was right around there, and got the chance to chat with him for the first time in probably a year. His dad lives around Greenville, had I called him a bit sooner, I could have picked him up and given him a ride down here so he could pick up his dad's car to head to Nashville.

We caught up about what he's got going on music wise (do a google search for his name- he's got a fairly active MySpace page and just finished a mid-west tour) and about life in general. To explain how long it's been since we talked, he asked me if I was finally divorced yet. My divorce was final in February, but started way back in September. We had been separated over 2 1/2 years before finally filing.

We agreed to catch up soon and maybe see each other in person and figured that some time next week would be good. He was heading back to Nashville for the weekend, and then would be back early next week. We'll see how that works out.

I figured out where I'll be for the 4th. We'll be heading to South Florida a little earlier than expected, so it means that I'll be able to attend my friend Tyler's 4th of July Pig Roast. This should be a blast. Kids are welcome and they've got a bounce house with a water slide all set up. It's an all day/all night kind of event. I'm psyched to see some people I haven't seen for 12+ years. Many of my old friends from high school will be there.

I feel a little bad that I didn't spend as much time in Nashville as I wanted to, but the whole conversation with Jon was healing and in a way, freeing. Despite our connection, it's one of those things where if he wanted it badly enough, he'd find a way. His unwillingness to try, makes it so our status quo stays the same. We're friends, nothing more. At least the next time I get a phone call like the one I got on Friday, if ever, I won't be jumping. It will be his turn to come find me. I'm not really sad about it, it's disappointing when you realize that's the reality of the situation, but I'm not sad about it, I'm actually feeling like it's a resolved situation. One that didn't have a finality to it before. This time, it does. It's like the door's finally closed there. Who knows what the future will hold. There's a chance that he'll open it at some point, but we'll see if I'm still there when he does. There's a good chance I won't be.

I think any woman would love to have the stability of a successful relationship, and when you find someone you click with, it makes it easier to think along those lines. I don't care what anyone says, as a divorced woman, curling up in my bed is still lonely. I'm a little more used to it now, but the thought of having someone to share my life with and cuddle up with at night, is very much a pleasant dream. The thought of building a life with someone, sharing a home and my life with someone is definitely something I look forward to in the future.

Sometimes, my independence and strong willed nature might not show that side of me that needs nurturing, but you know, I've learned to put up these walls to protect my heart and my feelings. I've learned that life is tough and that 90% of the survival battle is to just pick myself up, dust myself off, and not show weakness. This has led to many people being intimidated by me, which I prefer on a daily basis, but I realize it may also send the wrong message on a daily basis- that I don't need or want anyone in my life.

Ah, well, only time will tell what the future holds.

So now I have to post a bunch of pictures, I'm trying to think about the best way to do that in albums. Right now I'll work on getting them on our facebook page first, then I'll look at embedding slideshows into the blog... Whew, what a whirlwind first week!

Yawn.