I believe in Santa Claus.

I believe in Santa Claus. My gift arrived about a week after Christmas. Though the first part arrived in a conversation with Jon, when he called me to excitedly let me know that he got laid off from the job he hated. He was so happy that he was going to be heading home, but had considered driving south (I missed the first call) to Fort Lauderdale to come see me first since he had a few extra days. By the time I had called him back a couple hours later, he was already heading north.

That opened the door to a new conversation.

To sum it up: No job keeping him away. He's living back in Indiana. He's near his kids, with a union job coming up in late February/early March. This all happened SIX months after our conversation this summer (I found that funny after re-reading the blogs that kept pointing to a six month window). He called me to tell me things had changed. I was blown away.

I had just been talking/bitching to some friends about the cost of living down here in South Florida, with all the kids and I had recently taken a tour of local middle schools. I wasn't particularly impressed with what I saw. Anyway, I spent the better part of New Years Eve on the phone with Jon, talking about life.

We talked about how I had dated someone but it just didn't feel right and I had called it off. We talked about the pretty young girls hitting on him at the bar, and how he said that although it was flattering, he had nothing in common with them past a bottle of beer. We both agreed that dating other people was not working because they didn't even pale in comparison to the relationship/feelings we have had.

I'm not quite sure how we ended up on the topic, but he shared the cost of living in Indiana with me again, then I started asking a ton more questions about all the bills he had, on average what they cost... and my mind was off to the races computing financial savings. As it turns out, I pay almost $1000 more a month to live in South Florida.

After mentioning this to him and saying that it was crazy how much things cost down here, he said, "Well, you can always come to Indiana".

I paused, then asked him if he still felt the same way about me. If he still loved me. His response was "I always have loved you and I always will". I told him I still felt the same way too.

Then, it was me who started putting up reasons why I could not move to Indiana. Starting with, I just moved to Florida and the costs of a moving truck are prohibitive. He met that quickly with, "Well, you know, you have this guy up here who has an Escalade and a 16' Trailer who is currently unemployed and wouldn't mind a drive down to Florida to help you move". Yes, he offered to move me and my children to Indiana. When I inquired about paying for his gas, he chuckled and said, "You and I can come to some sort of trade agreement".

I told him I needed to think about it because I didn't want to rush into anything and that I wanted to see what the kids thought, talk to their father and just generally not make a snap decision. I wanted to wait and think it through. He said the offer to move us was good for as long as he was able to make the drive. So, indefinitely.

I thought about it. And thought about it. Mentioned it to the kids again, at potentially looking at moving back north a bit- either Indiana or just outside Nashville. What I love about Indiana is that it's so close, yet so far away. There's the ability to go into town and make it a day trip, but also so far removed from city life, that it's just simple small town living that I love.

I wanted to see if I still liked the town. I wanted to talk to him face to face about things before I made a decision. I was going into this quite guarded - as I didn't feel like re-hashing this summer's heartache. So, I loaded up the kids and we took off, for what we thought would be a quick trip to Indiana and Nashville.

I didn't really tell anyone I was going. I didn't want outside influences coloring my opinion on the way there. I just wanted to go, let the kids see it for themselves, see what was available in the area, tour the school with them and see if they enjoyed it. That was my first priority. I didn't even tell Jon that I was coming into town. My first thought was to get a motel room in the area because I didn't want to have him color my opinion any further either.

Once we arrived in Santa Claus, I found the way to his place and his car was there. I had tried calling, but got no answer, so I decided to park the car and knock on the door. The look of surprise on his face was priceless. I asked him to please point me in the direction of the nearest hotel/motel so that I could unpack the kids and their stuff and then figure out dinner and meeting up with Rhonda or Tammy (my girlfriends who live in the town).

It was bitterly cold outside and he ushered us all in to sit and hang out for a bit. I didn't know, but Farrah and Cody were over hanging out with him, so our kids finally met too. They played video games in the back room for quite a while and got along great.

I mentioned that it was getting later and I needed to get the hotel room, and he said that we were absolutely welcome to stay there instead, because he had plenty of sofa space and even had an extra air mattress so that no one had to sleep on the floor. I was still lobbying for the hotel, but he mentioned that there were two places in town- one being Santa's Lodge (aka a tourist trap with tourist trap pricing) and the motel that even he would not sleep at.

So, staying with him suddenly made more sense. I sprung for dinner for all of us - pizza from the local pizza place and we had a fun night together. He took the kids back to their mom's house and then we had a chance to sit together and talk a bit.

I told him that I was considering moving to Indiana, but that I wanted to check it out and see what the kids thought first. I apologized for the lack of notice, but I wanted to do it while they were still on vacation and have them only miss one or two days tops going back.

We set up the air mattress and I tucked the kids in, while we were still talking. I went back to his room with him to continue the conversation while they settled in. We curled up together and he just hugged me while my head was nestled in his shoulder. He told me he missed me and kissed my forehead.

I remember thinking at that very moment, that I wanted to stay right there in his arms for the rest of my life. It was just such a perfect fit, so comfortable and so familiar. So loving.

Despite wanting to talk about the potential of the move a little bit more, I just closed my eyes and fell asleep.

I got up the next morning and the kids were already hungry. Jon had his kitchen ripped apart (quite literally- no cabinets, sink, etc. because he was remodeling it) so I whispered to him that I was going to leave for a bit, get them food and then look at properties and the school. He was half asleep and said okay.

We ate at Subway (for breakfast!) and then started looking at properties in the area. Trying to find a place to rent that we liked, or a house that would consider a lease option, etc. We toured several houses. We then went to the school and got a tour from the receptionist. The kids all agreed that they liked the school and the town. Especially Holiday World... a local amusement park right there in town.

We went back to Jon's and I mentioned that there wasn't a lot available for rent, so my main option was going to rest in the hands of if any of the houses we liked would consider a lease option. He mentioned his dad having a place to rent in the next town over, but it was in a different elementary school (same middle and high schools) so I dismissed the idea.

Cody was the only one who came to Jon's after school, and he stayed for dinner. We all went to a mexican restaurant in Dale, IN (just 5 minutes away by car) and we laughed and enjoyed the time that we spent time together.

I was planning on leaving that evening to head back to Nashville on the way home, stopping in to see a friend for a day then driving back. Instead, I visited with Tammy, then we went to Rhonda's house and were offered a place to crash; so we took it. I really enjoyed sitting and spending time with Rhonda and her family. The kids played so nicely together and made quick friends. It was great catching up and they were excited about the potential of me moving to town.

I left the next morning, stopping briefly for a hug at Jon's house on the way out of town. We headed to Nashville and then ended up staying there a couple extra days due to the snow and ice storm gripping the Southeast.

While in Nashville, I took the time to look around at rental costs there and availability. Even though my head and heart screamed for Indiana, I felt it was worth a look for objectivity's sake.

We arrived back home and I decided that the best decision was going to be to not make a decision and give things some time to play out. I really decided at that moment to "Let Go and Let God". Instead of rushing into anything, I was going to let the decision come to me once some time went by and I could gather a clearer, no rose-colored glasses view of the situation.

The kids resumed their normal school lives, and I checked in on occasion with the realtor that I know up there. It seemed that the one house we really liked, the guy was unwilling to lease it. So, for me, there wasn't much else and I felt like I would maintain not doing anything in the moving department.

I called my ex-husband and mentioned to him that I was considering the move, then laid out for him the reasons why I was thinking about it, but that I wanted his opinion. Since he's a more financial concerned guy, I could tell he was doing numbers in his own head. I mentioned that the schools were better, life was cheaper and that I could put away money for college rather than spending all the child support on rent and bills. Surprisingly, he was behind me 100% in favor of the move and told me that whatever I decided, I had his support because he knew I was going to act in the best interest of the kids.

I told my parents that I was considering a move, and looking at Indiana and Nashville. My mother, lobbied hard for Greenville, where they live. I told her I genuinely appreciated the thought and would consider Greenville, but that my heart didn't lead me there. I love my parents but it's time they enjoyed their own life for a while without me in their backyard. They have helped me so much over the years, and I really want them to be able to enjoy each other. Plus, being in Indiana will bring us several hours closer to them than where we live right now.

So I've thought and thought about this. And then, here's what happened. I realized my drivers license expires on my birthday (in February) and my car registration does as well. The cost to renew both in Florida would be around $400 for everything. Ouch. The cost in Indiana is around $40 for everything.

I talked to Rhonda, who mentioned a place to rent that I had looked at, and I called them back - they decided to sell vs. rent the property. I called Jon and told him that though I wanted to move there, there was just nothing to rent that I liked and he offered again that his father had a 3 bed/2 bath available for rent that wasn't anything fancy- it was clean and about 5 years old, but the bonus was that he wouldn't make me sign a lease and I could move into it while I'm looking around town and save money in the process. I told him to count on until August for now, then we'll see if we wanted to be closer to town or if we liked it there. He called his dad for details on the property, called me back and when I said it sounded good, he gave me his father's phone number and told me to call him to work things out. I have never spoken with his father before, but when I talked with him, he sounded a lot like Jon, and then had some very nice things to say about me. It was effortless. He just put a fresh coat of paint on all the walls, had made some minor repairs that needed fixing and he said that he would have everything clean and ready when I arrived if I decided to come.

Jon has offered me an affordable place to live without a long term lease and a free move. The rent is nearly $1000 less than what I'm paying here in S. Florida which will enable me to save a good amount of money. Added to that, with tax time being here again, I'm able to get the tax return and sock that money into savings as well.

Even though I try to take him out of the picture when considering the financial benefits and rural living that I enjoy, the great schools, the fresh air, the girlfriends and their kids that live there... even how close it is to Nashville (making a day trip easy)... the truth of the matter is that I want to live near him. I want to give us a chance. He's making the effort this time, he's chasing me. I'm not chasing him. He's offering to drive 15 hours in one direction to come pick up our stuff and pack us up, then turn around and drive with us back to Indiana. Through all of this, I have never asked, he has just offered and offered.

I can't think of a better "sign" to get... the one I've asked him for for the past 2 1/2 years. Actions supporting his words. I made my final decision after speaking with him and his father two nights ago. I am happy and content - and the kids are excited as well. I feel as though I've won the lottery.

So I believe in Santa Claus... Santa Claus, Indiana.

We're in Nashville/Love's Twists and Turns

We arrived in Nashville somewhere around 1am, Central Daylight time. Our detour through Skyline Drive added a lot of drive time. It was a great little excursion though. As Frankie posted, I was really excited to break in the National Parks Annual Pass.

The drive was long, but familiar. I always enjoy long trips because once the kids settle down at night, I usually have a lot of time to think for myself. It's a soul searching kind of drive.

Last night, in particular, was a little different. Frankie was my little co-pilot until about 1am Eastern Standard Time, and ended up crashing out not long after I received a phone call from my good friend Jon.

Jon is the only man I have ever considered marrying after my divorce. I never knew that a love like that existed until the minute I met him. I had always hoped it existed, but never fully believed that love at first sight was something real. I was attracted to him before I officially met him through friends, but with each passing conversation, it was like he was hand delivered and custom ordered just for me. He is such a wonderful man and loves his children with every cell in his body. His daily sacrifices to provide as much as he can for them, make it so he has to work a job that takes him physically away from them. It's wearing on his mind, body and soul. We had talked about creating a life together and settling down in the town where his kids live (he grew up there) ages ago... but he thought it was impossible to be able to survive on a salary if he was at home instead of on the road (significant pay cut) and still be able to provide for his children the way he's used to.

Anyway, I had my own life and divorce paperwork and children's lives to manage, so between the two of us we mutually decided to stay friends and concentrate on our children's lives, and settle our own affairs while remaining in touch, but not being together.

Last night, I got a phone call where he said everything I've waited years to hear... while driving through Tennessee and after arriving. I'm still processing all the information, and I'm still taking time to absorb it. It was fairly simple and straightforward what he said... including "I love you, and always have", "People tell me I look so happy when I'm with you, and I know they're right, I am", and my personal favorite- "I don't just want you in my life, I have realized I need you in my life because it's like there's a hole there that I'm unable to fill with anything else."

I told him we'd have to take it slow and see how it all worked out because while I felt the same, I wanted to make sure he was sure about his revelation. His children are coming in on Thursday to be with him in Maryland for 3 weeks. He invited me and the kids to come up to spend some time with him and his kids (our children have never met each other, but we've met each other's children, because of our situations) and he wanted us to all go to Williamsburg together for a weekend (including a Busch Gardens excursion for the kids).

I had wanted to go to Williamsburg with the kids at some point anyway, but this would be even more perfect. I realize I would be doubling back a bit, but if I can swing it, and in light of recent events, I have no problem cutting my trip in TN back a bit, and then visiting there before heading to Greenville. I'm not willing to make any sort of snap decision right now, but in another day when I finish processing this, I will figure it out. I've got to talk to some of my friends and have them help me sort it out in my head. I need my friends/family so I can bounce this around and make sense of something that still feels surreal. Loving him and creating a home together makes perfect sense to me, but then again, I've loved him for almost two years.

I've wanted to have our children meet for ages, but it has never worked out and has never been possible. I realize I'm going off on a ridiculous tangent, but again, it's just one of those little life altering moments.

He spoke last night about working together to build a home for our children and ourselves. That we both deserved to be happy, and he realized that next to spending time with his children, he is always happiest just spending time in my general presence. He said he can imagine and looks forward to the possibility of growing old with me.

How would you react to that? The one man you've really loved since the very second you met him, years before... and who has always been open and honest that he's had the same feelings, but were both held back through different life situations and responsibilities.... oh, I'm going to have to really think on this some more.

Back to the trip, we arrived at my friend Mark's place in Nashville last night, and the kids and I crashed in his spare bedroom on an air mattress that has a small known leak. By morning, I was sleeping with the kids in an air mattress hammock. Ha! We were all very tired, but thankful to have a soft place to land last night.

After a quick run to Aldi, we grabbed breakfast supplies and I cooked the whole crew here breakfast. Eggs, bacon and buttermilk biscuits. It was delicious.

I've posted some of the pictures on the facebook page of our trip down here... and now we're getting ready to meet up with my friend JJ and her kids to go swimming at the pool in their apartment complex. Later, we'll meet up with Todd and Laura and his kids.

I think I'm going to take some time to figure this out in my head. Until then, I'll be soaking up the Tennessee sun, enjoying my children's laughter and re-thinking the rest of my life while sitting by the pool.