The Conversation

Last night, Jon got home - only after my cell voicemail was filling up with calls from my friends and texts from family. I felt the love. :)

It wasn't all that hard to sit and talk with him, because it never is. So as the boys were fishing off the dock, still, he lit the grill and came over to sit with me to watch them. This is where we started out conversation regarding the events of Friday night.

He started by saying that he'd been thinking about it, and while he remembers bits and pieces of the conversation, he did not recall some details, but he was a little worried because he said he was probably too honest about what he wanted. I laughed and said, um, yeah.

So we started with part one of his call... talking about work. He agreed with everything I said, and filled in even more of the background information than he did initially on the phone call. So far, I was right and he was explaining to me how he didn't want to be there much longer, but that he called the union at home to see about jobs there, and they told him that while they would try to find him something, it didn't look good for at least 6 months. Now, keep that date in mind.

So we put the potatoes on the grill and we both popped open a beer. Sitting in the sun, watching the kids play, chatting together. Cracking jokes in between some serious conversation... it all works.

I went into the second part of his call from Friday, talking about how he had invited us to come spend time with them and having the kids meet. He said while he knows he probably did because that's what he would want, he thinks it would be confusing for his kids and he worried about him spending quality time with his kids. Plus, there was the whole Dawn quotient too. He explained that he was hoping to talk to her about lowering the child support so he could move home and have the kids on a more regular basis. That all worked into his overall goal from his call on Friday, so I understood that part.

At this point, he began his apologizing for his call, and kept saying he felt like an asshole. I told him that he sounded completely coherent, and that he begged me to come. That I drove 11 hours overnight and left Nashville because of him, but that I wasn't upset about it. It was really good to see him and spend time with him, and no matter what, this was a good time to talk and that hey, for the first time we were talking about taking another step forward, and that it was all his idea. He chimed in that in an ideal situation it was exactly what he wanted, to be able to have that normal life with me. When he started talking about all the obstacles in place, I smiled and said... Now there's the Jon I know and love. He smiled back and just said, "Well..."

We put the steaks on and moved to the kitchen, while the kids were in the other room watching TV. I was preparing the broccoli and getting it on the stove. We kept getting interrupted at this point because the kids started smelling the broccoli and they were getitng hungry, but I got a few more points in about the call. He got a few more things in too. He said, I know I probably told you how much I cared about you, and how much I love you. And that's true, that hasn't changed. I'm just trying to find a way to make it possible for us to be together, and I keep hitting a brick wall every time I turn around. It's really frustrating on my end to see a possibility for happiness and then keep getting slapped down after trying to make it happen.

I just told him, you know I love you too, and I would do anything to help you and I be together. Jon, maybe that's the thing... maybe instead of us trying to do our own things to make this possible, we're supposed to work together. Maybe this is the point where we realize we can't do it alone and have to work together to get to the same goal.

He thought about that for a minute and smiled when he said, ok, so how are you going to get Dawn to let me reduce the child support if I get a job at home. I just laughed and said, "Baby Steps, kiddo".

The steaks were ready and so we got them off the grill and the potatoes, and I served the kids, then made my plate. He made his and the kids ate inside, while we retreated to the table on the patio outside. Alone again, and able to talk.

I spoke more about what he said about us, moving away from the kid thing, and mentioned that he told me that he wanted to build a life together and grow old with me. He turned a shade of red and said, oh, so I gave away all my secrets. I just smiled and said, yup. He cursed the EverGlow (I think that's what it's called) and then he said, well, again, in an ideal sitation, yes, that is what I want. I would love to build a life with you.

So I said, ok, you keep talking about this "ideal situation". What is making this "ideal situation" not a reality? He looked at me and said, my job, money, child support... if I quit this job, I still have to pay the same amount in child support, even if I get fired and am unemployed. I called a lawyer and basically, men are screwed when it comes to child support in the state of Indiana. Then, there's the whole job thing. Even if I do find a job there, I'll have to wait six months before the child support can be recalculated, so that means six months of living in poverty. And Aud, even if you get a job at that bank in town, it can't pay too much, so you'd be struggling too. At this point, I interjected and said, look Jon, between my child support and a full time job, I could make it. I am used to living pretty trim these days and it costs less to live in Indiana than it does in Pennsylvania. So don't worry about me, I'd be able to cut it.

So he continued and said, well, after that six months I'd be able to probably survive, but then again, while I'm down there, the trailer I have needs pretty extensive repairs, so even if I stayed there, I'd probably have to sleep in a tent while I fixed it up... after kicking out the renter who isn't paying, of course. Which I can't do now, because... I'm not there.

He said again, I do love you and care about you very much, and I'm sorry that I said anything that made you think I could make my dreams a reality any time soon.

I corrected him and said... No, Jon, our dreams. And I don't mind right now, we're having a better conversation about making things work than we've ever had. I know now where your head is, 100%, and that's more than ever. At least I feel like we're on the same page now.

We headed back inside and we did the dishes while the kids got showers and watched Family Guy for a few episodes. We put our conversation on hold until they went to bed, but sat near each other to watch TV. The TV was flipped off and I tucked in the kids, then brushed my teeth and changed into my pjs. As we laid down, we were able to talk again a little bit before falling asleep.

I asked him how much longer he was willing to work at this job that he hated. He said, his feeling vary on a day to day basis, but probably tops a year. Depending on all sorts of situations. If they wanted to send him to Israel, game over. Right now, he was finished with this job in August, then had about 3-4 months to work in North Dakota before they were talking about starting the Israel job. Adding that up, it's about 6 months.

I said, you know, I would do anything I could to make this work for us. He said, I know you would, and I appreciate you for it, that's one of the things about you that I love so much. I laughed and said, then again, I am that "glass half full kind of person".

We held hands for a bit, curled up and looked at each other. This whole trip has not been physical at all, just a complete mental visit, with the exception of a quick pat on my butt as I was doing dishes and he slid behind me.

What's going to surprise my family and friends, is that I'm not totally over-involved here. I'm committed to doing what I can to make this work out for us, but only now because I know where his intentions and wishes are. Now I know where his head is, and that we really do have a common goal.

I told him that I would look into some things today, regarding both jobs for me in the area, and then more information about the child support. He said he had asked a lawyer, but I insisted that there had to be some sort of way to work things out. I then asked him about rent in the area, and he said that at the very most, rent topped out at about $600 a month. I explained that I could handle that. I then said, ok, let me look into some stuff and we'll talk tomorrow after work. He smiled at me and said. Ok, let me know what you find out.

We said goodnight, hugged for a bit, curled up next to each other and passed out.

This morning, I'm feeling pretty good about our conversation. We really did have an open dialogue and he was very straightforward about life.

I'm not going to change my plans for my trip much further, I'll probably head to my parents place in Greenville, and think about things some more. I think I have a plan in place that may work out for both of us, but I want to talk about it with him to see what he thinks about it. And I have to make sure all the pieces fit first. I see it in my head, but I just have to finish piecing it together.

I think it may work, but I'm not going to do anything other than look into it until I talk more with him. More tomorrow.