Thoughts from the poolside...

We saw UP today with my mom. I had tears flowing within the first 15 minutes of the movie. Now, that's a great movie! It was so beautifully done. Just had to mention that first.

If you haven't seen the movie, just go see it. You won't be disappointed. Pixar never disappoints, and the story, well... it was cute.

I've been giving my life a lot of thought lately, and I guess this adventure we're on currently is one of those things that's a spiritual and physical trip. Some of my friends know I've been through a lot in the past few years, and I guess that's what has me all sorts of floating in a non-direction. This trip is the first thing I have planned and successfully executed in quite some time. Circumstances outside of my control usually deflate most of my plans. This time around, I keep praying for the opportunity to have this time with my kids, the opportunity to explore the country. I keep praying that nothing puts this trip on hold.

In the movie today, life happened, derailing Ellie's plans to ever make it to South America. That was the trip that she wanted to be on. I'm enjoying the scenery along the way, but I am trying to hang on to the adventure. Just as far as we've come already, even though much of it is familiar territory in a physical sense, my emotional adventure has taught me leaps and bounds. It's been a trip so far of emotional growth.

I was writing lyrics last night, just scratching a bunch of things down on paper and typing them into my files in the computer too. One particular lyric went like this:

I've loved and lost, I've loved and shown men the door, but through all the heartaches and breaks, I learned to love myself more.

I think the above is the reason why I haven't been totally torn up about Jon. Yes, he said everything that I ever wanted to hear that Friday night, but I was married to a man battling alcoholism. I have learned to not place much value in words spoken to me, through my own life experiences. I place value on the action following the words spoken.

However, it seemed that somehow I thought Jon's word meant something just because he isn't battling alcoholism, even though I don't really trust what anyone else says to me at face value, I somehow gave him a free pass. He had never let me down before with his words or actions. He had always backed them with the same action. This time, I was disappointed, not in him, but in myself for finally noticing that I had been believing his words and seeing his actions through rose colored glasses in the past.

I was immediately able to detach myself and my feelings for him because of this realization. For that, I am grateful. I am not sad, because I know that inability to put your words into action is a sign of weakness, and to love someone takes courage. Therefore, loving someone means taking chances, leaping off the ledge for them and putting one foot in front of the other to turn dreams and desires into actions.

I'm worth that. I'm worth it, to have a man who says he loves me to put that love into action, and make it work.

Just like Carl finally decided to put his dreams for travel into action - with first plane tickets that he never got the chance to use, and then by sending his house on an adventure lifted off with balloons... I'll wait for the man who decides to put his words into action with me too. Why? I'm worth it.

And now, since Mom has joined me out by the pool, I guess my train of thought for the moment will take a small break and enjoy conversation with her and the sunshine and breeze. Why? We're worth it. :)