Not much of an update.

Right now, I don't have much to update in the love department, although I know my sister and her friends at her bank are urging me to post about it. I got the voicemail.

Here's what I know.

While in Nashville, I shared the conversation with several friends of mine, and ALL of them told me that I needed to "Go for it"... and "Get the hell to Maryland". I found that I was sitting there, surrounded by all my friends, sunshine, a pool and a cooler full of ice cold beer, and all I wanted to do was to get in the car and be here. That's how I was feeling. I wanted to be here so badly and finish the conversation that I left Sunday night around 10:30pm CST, to get on the road and drive overnight. I was in Nashville for less than 48 hours.

I called Jon before I left and asked if he minded that I just head that way and that I'd be there Monday morning. We had a bad phone connection (common here on this island) but from what I heard he just said, Ok, see you when I get home from work.

I drove all night with the conversation running over and over again in my head. Part of me wondered if I made it all up because I was so tired from driving all day on Friday. Part of me felt like I must have dreamed it up in my head. I wanted him to pinch me and tell me all over again.

I spent all the time I could on the phone with friends of mine, talking about how I was still just incredibly surprised by this revelation of his, because no matter how many times we'd go out, have a bunch more beers than we should have, even when he was pretty well wasted, he always stuck to the same tune... that we couldn't be together because we lived so far apart and he wouldn't be able to give me any sort of life, or life for my kids and his, etc. So I kept thinking while I was driving, about how much of a 180 this new discussion was. I was dying to ask him what changed... what made him flip that switch... and just dying to see him look at me.

I made it to Cobb Island by 9:30am, EST on Monday morning. Like he said he would, he left the door open for me, and had pulled out a pile of blankets and pillows that he shoved next to the end of the sofa. I walked in, and got things picked up (he's a pretty clean guy), the dishwasher emptied and restacked with the one dish in the sink, etc. I just tidied up a bit, vacuumed and then started loading the kids and my things inside.

It's a small place, so I wanted to make sure I knew where I was going to put things before I started moving anything. I can't talk to him while he's at work, but I sent him a text message letting him know I arrived the second I pulled into town. I pulled his things out of the dryer and folded them, then set them on the edge of his bed and did our laundry. The kids had piled all their clothes, wet and dry, into their bags, so ALL their clothing was damp, and I did a bunch of laundry.

The kids and I took a trip to the park down the street and then walked to The Scuttlebutt, the restaurant on the island, and had pizza for lunch. I fixed the bed, scrubbed out the bathtub (it was pretty clean already) and started poking around for what we'd make for dinner. I finally decided that I would ask him before making something.

I tried to slide a nap in, and managed to squeeze about a half hour where the kids didn't interrupt me. I was exhausted by the time he got home.

He showed the kids where the fishing poles were and even caught one himself, less than 3 minutes after dropping his line into the water. I laughed and told him he just ruined fishing for the boys by showing them how quickly he caught something and setting unrealistic standards. He chuckled about that and said I was probably right.

He asked how long I was planning on staying, and I told him I didn't know yet, I figured we would talk about it. Then he dropped one big bomb on me, and told me that his ex-wife, Dawn was bringing the kids into town, staying the weekend and then heading back leaving the kids with him. He failed to mention that on the phone Friday.

Dawn's a nice woman, I have met her before, but the thought of one more adult who used to be married to Jon, me, and a total of six kids in that tiny place had me wondering what he was thinking on Friday. Then I suddenly wondered how much of our conversation he recalled.

Maybe I'm not the half glass full person he thinks I am all the time. I certainly wasn't "feeling" the love last night, though he was courteous and gracious. I felt like he was confused. This is how some of our trips together start, a slightly awkward moment while we both are putting our feelers out about how much to give away about our feelings. This, while strange, is normal behavior for us.

We were going to cook steaks for dinner, and he thawed them, but then a storm blew in, so he ran out and got ground beef instead. We had hot dogs, cheeseburgers and a rice-a-roni mix with corn. He set out his Safeway card and some money so I could head to the grocery store at some point today. I told him he didn't have to buy groceries, but he insisted.

We sat outside for dinner, the kids were inside watching TV. I had brought a tablecloth in my kitchen box, and set it on the plastic table outside. As we sat there, we didn't really talk much, but cracked a few jokes, talked about the weather, and then questioned the rice-a-roni cooking technique.

The kids all took quick showers and got in their pjs. It was nearly dark. They watched TV for a bit more, and we sat on the couch while the kids laid on the blow up bed he set up for them and before long, we decided to just go to bed. I changed into my pjs (a tshirt and boxers) and tucked all the kids in, then laid down next to him. I figured we wouldn't get in to too much of a conversation, he was tired and I was drop dead exhausted, but I simply asked one question before going to bed last night.

"Did you find out if there are any jobs in Santa Claus for you right now?"

His answer was, "I asked, but they don't have any available for a couple months, and this company said I'm done here in August, then they want to send me to North Dakota, because the Israel job doesn't start for a few months after that. After they shut the Toyota plant near town, a lot of people are out of work, including Dawn. She's been laid off for nine months now. There are just less jobs around."

My response was, "Oh."

We said goodnight, I held his hand for a little bit, then rolled over and fell asleep.

I stirred early in the morning, hearing his alarm go off, and was planning on asking him the one question I was dying to know the answer to, since the kids were passed out... but I fell back asleep. I re-woke, grabbed my cell phone and saw that it was before 6am, so he was still driving to work. I ran out to the dock which is kind of far from the house with my pjs on and total bed hair... and placed the phone call to him.

Him: Hey, what's goin' on?
Me: I meant to ask you last night, because things felt a little awkward, and I have to know right now. How much of our conversation do you remember from Friday night?
Him: Not much, I was at the bar Friday and this guy bought me shots and I ended up pretty smashed. Why?
Me: Well, Jon, it's the only reason I am here. I will have to explain it to you later, but at least I know what's going on in that head of yours even if you don't want to own up to it right now. You invited me and asked me to come up here. You begged me to change my plans and come up here so that the kids could be together. I'll explain it to you later, but I just needed to know.
Him: I am so sorry that I don't remember, but I am really glad you are here and you're welcome to stay here. We'll talk about it later.
Me: Ok, have a good day at work.
Him: Ok, talk to you later.

I clicked the phone off, and tears were streaming down my face. I've seen the man totally smashed before, but he always remembers. What's more, he always maintains the same stupid we can't be together line. Something is different this time around, and I don't know what it is yet or what caused him to place the phone call where he spilled his guts, but the tears are falling because I feel like a fool. I left Nashville, surrounded by my friends, because he begged me to come, and now I'm here and I'm not sure if he is trying to cover up his feelings or if he's truly telling me that he just doesn't remember (which I'm not buying).

He's always been a man of his word, he doesn't say anything unless it's what he believes to be true and intends to act on. So for this reason, I'm currently putting together an outline of the phone call on Friday, and he and I will be disappearing tonight for a bit to the deck, because we're about to have a meeting.

I walked back inside at 6am, and wiped the tears from my eyes. I felt embarrassed and just felt like a fool... then I thought about how I belive him so deeply because he was being so straightforward with me on Friday, that I called my parents and my siblings and friends... and rearranged plans to be here. I fell asleep till about 10am, and felt refreshed.

We will have a conversation tonight, and tonight's conversation is going to determine the next few days, but also the course of our relationship from here on out.

Some alone time, without interruption is in order.

*Side note here* - I debated posting this, as it's so personal and honestly doesn't really represent our relationship as a whole. One, he's not a lush or an alcoholic. Two, from our phone call on Friday, he did not sound drunk or incoherent. He was totally present. Three, despite the painful nature of this particular post, I made sure I was committed to posting this blog in an honest manner when I started it. There's no romanticizing or glazing over the parts that aren't as fun. So, to honor that commitment to myself, I am gonna hit that publish post button, and I'll have to update the blog tomorrow about the results of our conversation.

I also had promised to him on Friday, that I would look into his child support information, to see what the laws were in Indiana about if he took a pay cut (same field) to be local, and therefore see his kids more, so I will do some research on that and then I will have an answer for that tonight too. While I'm at it, I'll do my own job search for him and present him with some of the things I've found. I'm a little disappointed it wasn't the first day I was hoping for, but in light of our past interactions, our first days together are usually not all that memorable or romantic. It always seems to take us a day to really open up.

I'm not going into this with high hopes or goals. HE called me, I didn't call him. HE spilled his guts, I didn't spill mine. HE begged me to come here, I didn't ask to. This one is on him and he's got a bit of explainin' to do tonight.

What's interesting, is that I know despite this whole thing, that I still love the stupid lug.