Thoughts from the poolside...

We saw UP today with my mom. I had tears flowing within the first 15 minutes of the movie. Now, that's a great movie! It was so beautifully done. Just had to mention that first.

If you haven't seen the movie, just go see it. You won't be disappointed. Pixar never disappoints, and the story, well... it was cute.

I've been giving my life a lot of thought lately, and I guess this adventure we're on currently is one of those things that's a spiritual and physical trip. Some of my friends know I've been through a lot in the past few years, and I guess that's what has me all sorts of floating in a non-direction. This trip is the first thing I have planned and successfully executed in quite some time. Circumstances outside of my control usually deflate most of my plans. This time around, I keep praying for the opportunity to have this time with my kids, the opportunity to explore the country. I keep praying that nothing puts this trip on hold.

In the movie today, life happened, derailing Ellie's plans to ever make it to South America. That was the trip that she wanted to be on. I'm enjoying the scenery along the way, but I am trying to hang on to the adventure. Just as far as we've come already, even though much of it is familiar territory in a physical sense, my emotional adventure has taught me leaps and bounds. It's been a trip so far of emotional growth.

I was writing lyrics last night, just scratching a bunch of things down on paper and typing them into my files in the computer too. One particular lyric went like this:

I've loved and lost, I've loved and shown men the door, but through all the heartaches and breaks, I learned to love myself more.

I think the above is the reason why I haven't been totally torn up about Jon. Yes, he said everything that I ever wanted to hear that Friday night, but I was married to a man battling alcoholism. I have learned to not place much value in words spoken to me, through my own life experiences. I place value on the action following the words spoken.

However, it seemed that somehow I thought Jon's word meant something just because he isn't battling alcoholism, even though I don't really trust what anyone else says to me at face value, I somehow gave him a free pass. He had never let me down before with his words or actions. He had always backed them with the same action. This time, I was disappointed, not in him, but in myself for finally noticing that I had been believing his words and seeing his actions through rose colored glasses in the past.

I was immediately able to detach myself and my feelings for him because of this realization. For that, I am grateful. I am not sad, because I know that inability to put your words into action is a sign of weakness, and to love someone takes courage. Therefore, loving someone means taking chances, leaping off the ledge for them and putting one foot in front of the other to turn dreams and desires into actions.

I'm worth that. I'm worth it, to have a man who says he loves me to put that love into action, and make it work.

Just like Carl finally decided to put his dreams for travel into action - with first plane tickets that he never got the chance to use, and then by sending his house on an adventure lifted off with balloons... I'll wait for the man who decides to put his words into action with me too. Why? I'm worth it.

And now, since Mom has joined me out by the pool, I guess my train of thought for the moment will take a small break and enjoy conversation with her and the sunshine and breeze. Why? We're worth it. :)

A Fun Filled Weekend...

Saturday was a lot of fun, we woke up and then we all went out. My dad took the boys to get hair cuts, to the Confederate Museum in Greenville, and then down to Falls Park before meeting up with us for lunch at Wild Wings.

My mom and I took the girls and we went to this really great little place called The Beaded Frog. It's a jewelry place where you make your own jewelry. You pick out the beads and everything. The girls and I all made a set of earrings. Mine ended up being a really interesting mix. There were these beads made out of recycled bottlecaps, so I got to use those as part of my earrings. I found some unique beer bottlecaps, with the colors black, yellow and red in the cap and then created the earring around that.

We met up with my dad and the boys for lunch, then we did the Mice on Main search, which is really a unique thing! You have clues and have to find these small metal mice, hidden all over Main street in downtown Greenville. The kids had a blast searching for all the mice.

It was a HOT day, and when we got back, we all collapsed in the air conditioning for a while. My parents and I uncorked a couple bottles of wine before turning in for the night, so it was nice to sit and chat with them for a while after the kids went to bed.

This morning, I woke up early (had to set the alarm on the phone) and the boys and I had plans to visit Carowinds, an amusement park that's right on the North Carolina and South Carolina border- quite literally! We started off our day by eating breakfast with my parents and the girls at Tommy's Country Ham House, which is my dad's favorite little breakfast spot! It was absolutely delicious!

The boys and I got on the road, and about two hours later we arrived at Carowinds. We spent half the day in North Carolina and half the day in South Carolina, riding rollercoasters and even getting splashed by the Whitewater falls ride - it's not just a splash zone, it's a SOAKER zone. I watched people for a while get hosed by the splash, coming out absolutely drenched to the bone, then after a while decided I was hot enough to put the bag down and get splashed myself. The boys, of course had already been soaked. We rode EVERY major rollercoaster in the park, and then a few side rides too. It was a long day, but we had a blast!

When we got back, my mom's cousin Gregory was at the house with his wife and kids, so we all got to meet them and have a great dinner. The sun sapped us all of energy, and it wasn't long before we all decided to turn in for the night. I'm on my way to bed right now, as I'm typing this, I'm in my pjs and in the bed! Yawn... had to update about our fun weekend. Now I'm trying to find something to do with the kids tomorrow that will be predominantly in the shade.

Guess I'll figure it out tomorrow...

In Greenville, SC

We arrived in Greenville, SC last night. We watched the news regarding Michael Jackson's death and Farrah Fawcett's death on ABC last night and then hit the sack. It was a pretty relaxing evening.

The drive here was fairly quick, it only took about 7 1/2 hours to get from Cobb Island, MD to Greenville. We passed through Richmond, where I pointed out to the kids that it was the capitol for the Confederacy. I tried to get them to go to Williamsburg, but I was outvoted on that front. They just wanted to get to Mema's & Pepa's house.

In the end, since it was an extra hour each way to the coast, they won.

And so I drove, with the unfolding of the Michael Jackson drama updates being texted to me, or just listening on the radio as each station could talk about nothing else. I mentioned to Frankie that it was going to be one of those days that people talked about for a long time. For instance, you'll remember where you were when you heard that Michael Jackson died.

There was a comment made by Kaitlyn in the car that right now I am cursing myself for not writing down or recording on my voice recorder, because it had me laughing. It was her innocence in saying it that made it so funny. Oh... I remember now! While I was on the phone with my mom, the Kaitlyn and Joey were messing around in the backseat, being generally obnoxious. Frankie had a sore ear (swimmers ear) and had asked them to knock it off. I also had asked them to quiet down earlier. Well, Frankie reached back and pulled Kate's hair... when I got off the phone, I reprimanded Frankie for the hair yank, and then Kaitlyn said that she wanted her hair long and full like mine and "Mom hasn't had her hair pulled in a long time".

I laughed and said, "You're right Kaitlyn". Then I chuckled again to myself and thought about what a shame that was.

The kids finally settled down and Madelyn even had a dream about fairies while she took a quick nap in the far back seat. She was very animated in her description about her dream. It was really cute.

Frankie was super concerned with every Michael Jackson news update, and then we finally just turned on some tunes and jammed out for the rest of the ride. I called my friend Ansel Brown as we were driving through Charlotte, as I remembered that his home base was right around there, and got the chance to chat with him for the first time in probably a year. His dad lives around Greenville, had I called him a bit sooner, I could have picked him up and given him a ride down here so he could pick up his dad's car to head to Nashville.

We caught up about what he's got going on music wise (do a google search for his name- he's got a fairly active MySpace page and just finished a mid-west tour) and about life in general. To explain how long it's been since we talked, he asked me if I was finally divorced yet. My divorce was final in February, but started way back in September. We had been separated over 2 1/2 years before finally filing.

We agreed to catch up soon and maybe see each other in person and figured that some time next week would be good. He was heading back to Nashville for the weekend, and then would be back early next week. We'll see how that works out.

I figured out where I'll be for the 4th. We'll be heading to South Florida a little earlier than expected, so it means that I'll be able to attend my friend Tyler's 4th of July Pig Roast. This should be a blast. Kids are welcome and they've got a bounce house with a water slide all set up. It's an all day/all night kind of event. I'm psyched to see some people I haven't seen for 12+ years. Many of my old friends from high school will be there.

I feel a little bad that I didn't spend as much time in Nashville as I wanted to, but the whole conversation with Jon was healing and in a way, freeing. Despite our connection, it's one of those things where if he wanted it badly enough, he'd find a way. His unwillingness to try, makes it so our status quo stays the same. We're friends, nothing more. At least the next time I get a phone call like the one I got on Friday, if ever, I won't be jumping. It will be his turn to come find me. I'm not really sad about it, it's disappointing when you realize that's the reality of the situation, but I'm not sad about it, I'm actually feeling like it's a resolved situation. One that didn't have a finality to it before. This time, it does. It's like the door's finally closed there. Who knows what the future will hold. There's a chance that he'll open it at some point, but we'll see if I'm still there when he does. There's a good chance I won't be.

I think any woman would love to have the stability of a successful relationship, and when you find someone you click with, it makes it easier to think along those lines. I don't care what anyone says, as a divorced woman, curling up in my bed is still lonely. I'm a little more used to it now, but the thought of having someone to share my life with and cuddle up with at night, is very much a pleasant dream. The thought of building a life with someone, sharing a home and my life with someone is definitely something I look forward to in the future.

Sometimes, my independence and strong willed nature might not show that side of me that needs nurturing, but you know, I've learned to put up these walls to protect my heart and my feelings. I've learned that life is tough and that 90% of the survival battle is to just pick myself up, dust myself off, and not show weakness. This has led to many people being intimidated by me, which I prefer on a daily basis, but I realize it may also send the wrong message on a daily basis- that I don't need or want anyone in my life.

Ah, well, only time will tell what the future holds.

So now I have to post a bunch of pictures, I'm trying to think about the best way to do that in albums. Right now I'll work on getting them on our facebook page first, then I'll look at embedding slideshows into the blog... Whew, what a whirlwind first week!

Yawn.

Hittin' the Road Again...

We're on our way to Greenville, SC today.

I'm not sad, not upset... not even really phased anymore. We had a decent conversation last night and just agreed to put everything on hold again. I asked him how he was able to just shut down his feelings so easily and he said that he wasn't... he was just welding his heart shut for a little bit longer because it hurt too much when it was wide open and he knew what he wanted. Go figure, and ironworker is gonna weld his heart shut. That made me laugh.

I told him I seemed to have a zipper on my scarred up heart that he was able to just open up where other people had no access. He told me there were locks for that, and I said yeah, but you hold one of the master keys to it.

In the end, with all the stuff we've both got going on, me moving anywhere, or him quitting his job and moving home right now to build that home together, just isn't an option. We'll see where life takes us in the next several months or years, or if at all. Maybe it's just one of those relationships that is doomed for bad timing right from the beginning. I hope not.

Anyway, as usual, I pick up the pieces of my heart, put it together again, and move on with my life. He's doing the same. We had a great big hug last night while talking about some of our feelings and a quick kiss before he left for work this morning.

This summer truly is one big adventure... And even though the current outcome is the same as I'm used to with Jon, the means to get here this time forged a new path and the conversations we had brought us closer. So I'm not sad, or upset, just a little bummed that we couldn't make things work this time due to life circumstances out of our control.

Now, I'm excited for the kids and I to head to see my parents. I'm searching for some cool things to do about halfway to Greenville, and I'm hoping they can find a place to dig/search for gems. If not, we'll have to do that while we're there and just drive the two hours to Franklin, NC.

At some point I'm going to have to jump back onto our planned excursion. It should work out though, I think we'll be back on schedule soon.

Anyway, thanks to all who were following my little love adventure... Now, back to the trip with the kids and me.... :)

The Conversation

Last night, Jon got home - only after my cell voicemail was filling up with calls from my friends and texts from family. I felt the love. :)

It wasn't all that hard to sit and talk with him, because it never is. So as the boys were fishing off the dock, still, he lit the grill and came over to sit with me to watch them. This is where we started out conversation regarding the events of Friday night.

He started by saying that he'd been thinking about it, and while he remembers bits and pieces of the conversation, he did not recall some details, but he was a little worried because he said he was probably too honest about what he wanted. I laughed and said, um, yeah.

So we started with part one of his call... talking about work. He agreed with everything I said, and filled in even more of the background information than he did initially on the phone call. So far, I was right and he was explaining to me how he didn't want to be there much longer, but that he called the union at home to see about jobs there, and they told him that while they would try to find him something, it didn't look good for at least 6 months. Now, keep that date in mind.

So we put the potatoes on the grill and we both popped open a beer. Sitting in the sun, watching the kids play, chatting together. Cracking jokes in between some serious conversation... it all works.

I went into the second part of his call from Friday, talking about how he had invited us to come spend time with them and having the kids meet. He said while he knows he probably did because that's what he would want, he thinks it would be confusing for his kids and he worried about him spending quality time with his kids. Plus, there was the whole Dawn quotient too. He explained that he was hoping to talk to her about lowering the child support so he could move home and have the kids on a more regular basis. That all worked into his overall goal from his call on Friday, so I understood that part.

At this point, he began his apologizing for his call, and kept saying he felt like an asshole. I told him that he sounded completely coherent, and that he begged me to come. That I drove 11 hours overnight and left Nashville because of him, but that I wasn't upset about it. It was really good to see him and spend time with him, and no matter what, this was a good time to talk and that hey, for the first time we were talking about taking another step forward, and that it was all his idea. He chimed in that in an ideal situation it was exactly what he wanted, to be able to have that normal life with me. When he started talking about all the obstacles in place, I smiled and said... Now there's the Jon I know and love. He smiled back and just said, "Well..."

We put the steaks on and moved to the kitchen, while the kids were in the other room watching TV. I was preparing the broccoli and getting it on the stove. We kept getting interrupted at this point because the kids started smelling the broccoli and they were getitng hungry, but I got a few more points in about the call. He got a few more things in too. He said, I know I probably told you how much I cared about you, and how much I love you. And that's true, that hasn't changed. I'm just trying to find a way to make it possible for us to be together, and I keep hitting a brick wall every time I turn around. It's really frustrating on my end to see a possibility for happiness and then keep getting slapped down after trying to make it happen.

I just told him, you know I love you too, and I would do anything to help you and I be together. Jon, maybe that's the thing... maybe instead of us trying to do our own things to make this possible, we're supposed to work together. Maybe this is the point where we realize we can't do it alone and have to work together to get to the same goal.

He thought about that for a minute and smiled when he said, ok, so how are you going to get Dawn to let me reduce the child support if I get a job at home. I just laughed and said, "Baby Steps, kiddo".

The steaks were ready and so we got them off the grill and the potatoes, and I served the kids, then made my plate. He made his and the kids ate inside, while we retreated to the table on the patio outside. Alone again, and able to talk.

I spoke more about what he said about us, moving away from the kid thing, and mentioned that he told me that he wanted to build a life together and grow old with me. He turned a shade of red and said, oh, so I gave away all my secrets. I just smiled and said, yup. He cursed the EverGlow (I think that's what it's called) and then he said, well, again, in an ideal sitation, yes, that is what I want. I would love to build a life with you.

So I said, ok, you keep talking about this "ideal situation". What is making this "ideal situation" not a reality? He looked at me and said, my job, money, child support... if I quit this job, I still have to pay the same amount in child support, even if I get fired and am unemployed. I called a lawyer and basically, men are screwed when it comes to child support in the state of Indiana. Then, there's the whole job thing. Even if I do find a job there, I'll have to wait six months before the child support can be recalculated, so that means six months of living in poverty. And Aud, even if you get a job at that bank in town, it can't pay too much, so you'd be struggling too. At this point, I interjected and said, look Jon, between my child support and a full time job, I could make it. I am used to living pretty trim these days and it costs less to live in Indiana than it does in Pennsylvania. So don't worry about me, I'd be able to cut it.

So he continued and said, well, after that six months I'd be able to probably survive, but then again, while I'm down there, the trailer I have needs pretty extensive repairs, so even if I stayed there, I'd probably have to sleep in a tent while I fixed it up... after kicking out the renter who isn't paying, of course. Which I can't do now, because... I'm not there.

He said again, I do love you and care about you very much, and I'm sorry that I said anything that made you think I could make my dreams a reality any time soon.

I corrected him and said... No, Jon, our dreams. And I don't mind right now, we're having a better conversation about making things work than we've ever had. I know now where your head is, 100%, and that's more than ever. At least I feel like we're on the same page now.

We headed back inside and we did the dishes while the kids got showers and watched Family Guy for a few episodes. We put our conversation on hold until they went to bed, but sat near each other to watch TV. The TV was flipped off and I tucked in the kids, then brushed my teeth and changed into my pjs. As we laid down, we were able to talk again a little bit before falling asleep.

I asked him how much longer he was willing to work at this job that he hated. He said, his feeling vary on a day to day basis, but probably tops a year. Depending on all sorts of situations. If they wanted to send him to Israel, game over. Right now, he was finished with this job in August, then had about 3-4 months to work in North Dakota before they were talking about starting the Israel job. Adding that up, it's about 6 months.

I said, you know, I would do anything I could to make this work for us. He said, I know you would, and I appreciate you for it, that's one of the things about you that I love so much. I laughed and said, then again, I am that "glass half full kind of person".

We held hands for a bit, curled up and looked at each other. This whole trip has not been physical at all, just a complete mental visit, with the exception of a quick pat on my butt as I was doing dishes and he slid behind me.

What's going to surprise my family and friends, is that I'm not totally over-involved here. I'm committed to doing what I can to make this work out for us, but only now because I know where his intentions and wishes are. Now I know where his head is, and that we really do have a common goal.

I told him that I would look into some things today, regarding both jobs for me in the area, and then more information about the child support. He said he had asked a lawyer, but I insisted that there had to be some sort of way to work things out. I then asked him about rent in the area, and he said that at the very most, rent topped out at about $600 a month. I explained that I could handle that. I then said, ok, let me look into some stuff and we'll talk tomorrow after work. He smiled at me and said. Ok, let me know what you find out.

We said goodnight, hugged for a bit, curled up next to each other and passed out.

This morning, I'm feeling pretty good about our conversation. We really did have an open dialogue and he was very straightforward about life.

I'm not going to change my plans for my trip much further, I'll probably head to my parents place in Greenville, and think about things some more. I think I have a plan in place that may work out for both of us, but I want to talk about it with him to see what he thinks about it. And I have to make sure all the pieces fit first. I see it in my head, but I just have to finish piecing it together.

I think it may work, but I'm not going to do anything other than look into it until I talk more with him. More tomorrow.

Not much of an update.

Right now, I don't have much to update in the love department, although I know my sister and her friends at her bank are urging me to post about it. I got the voicemail.

Here's what I know.

While in Nashville, I shared the conversation with several friends of mine, and ALL of them told me that I needed to "Go for it"... and "Get the hell to Maryland". I found that I was sitting there, surrounded by all my friends, sunshine, a pool and a cooler full of ice cold beer, and all I wanted to do was to get in the car and be here. That's how I was feeling. I wanted to be here so badly and finish the conversation that I left Sunday night around 10:30pm CST, to get on the road and drive overnight. I was in Nashville for less than 48 hours.

I called Jon before I left and asked if he minded that I just head that way and that I'd be there Monday morning. We had a bad phone connection (common here on this island) but from what I heard he just said, Ok, see you when I get home from work.

I drove all night with the conversation running over and over again in my head. Part of me wondered if I made it all up because I was so tired from driving all day on Friday. Part of me felt like I must have dreamed it up in my head. I wanted him to pinch me and tell me all over again.

I spent all the time I could on the phone with friends of mine, talking about how I was still just incredibly surprised by this revelation of his, because no matter how many times we'd go out, have a bunch more beers than we should have, even when he was pretty well wasted, he always stuck to the same tune... that we couldn't be together because we lived so far apart and he wouldn't be able to give me any sort of life, or life for my kids and his, etc. So I kept thinking while I was driving, about how much of a 180 this new discussion was. I was dying to ask him what changed... what made him flip that switch... and just dying to see him look at me.

I made it to Cobb Island by 9:30am, EST on Monday morning. Like he said he would, he left the door open for me, and had pulled out a pile of blankets and pillows that he shoved next to the end of the sofa. I walked in, and got things picked up (he's a pretty clean guy), the dishwasher emptied and restacked with the one dish in the sink, etc. I just tidied up a bit, vacuumed and then started loading the kids and my things inside.

It's a small place, so I wanted to make sure I knew where I was going to put things before I started moving anything. I can't talk to him while he's at work, but I sent him a text message letting him know I arrived the second I pulled into town. I pulled his things out of the dryer and folded them, then set them on the edge of his bed and did our laundry. The kids had piled all their clothes, wet and dry, into their bags, so ALL their clothing was damp, and I did a bunch of laundry.

The kids and I took a trip to the park down the street and then walked to The Scuttlebutt, the restaurant on the island, and had pizza for lunch. I fixed the bed, scrubbed out the bathtub (it was pretty clean already) and started poking around for what we'd make for dinner. I finally decided that I would ask him before making something.

I tried to slide a nap in, and managed to squeeze about a half hour where the kids didn't interrupt me. I was exhausted by the time he got home.

He showed the kids where the fishing poles were and even caught one himself, less than 3 minutes after dropping his line into the water. I laughed and told him he just ruined fishing for the boys by showing them how quickly he caught something and setting unrealistic standards. He chuckled about that and said I was probably right.

He asked how long I was planning on staying, and I told him I didn't know yet, I figured we would talk about it. Then he dropped one big bomb on me, and told me that his ex-wife, Dawn was bringing the kids into town, staying the weekend and then heading back leaving the kids with him. He failed to mention that on the phone Friday.

Dawn's a nice woman, I have met her before, but the thought of one more adult who used to be married to Jon, me, and a total of six kids in that tiny place had me wondering what he was thinking on Friday. Then I suddenly wondered how much of our conversation he recalled.

Maybe I'm not the half glass full person he thinks I am all the time. I certainly wasn't "feeling" the love last night, though he was courteous and gracious. I felt like he was confused. This is how some of our trips together start, a slightly awkward moment while we both are putting our feelers out about how much to give away about our feelings. This, while strange, is normal behavior for us.

We were going to cook steaks for dinner, and he thawed them, but then a storm blew in, so he ran out and got ground beef instead. We had hot dogs, cheeseburgers and a rice-a-roni mix with corn. He set out his Safeway card and some money so I could head to the grocery store at some point today. I told him he didn't have to buy groceries, but he insisted.

We sat outside for dinner, the kids were inside watching TV. I had brought a tablecloth in my kitchen box, and set it on the plastic table outside. As we sat there, we didn't really talk much, but cracked a few jokes, talked about the weather, and then questioned the rice-a-roni cooking technique.

The kids all took quick showers and got in their pjs. It was nearly dark. They watched TV for a bit more, and we sat on the couch while the kids laid on the blow up bed he set up for them and before long, we decided to just go to bed. I changed into my pjs (a tshirt and boxers) and tucked all the kids in, then laid down next to him. I figured we wouldn't get in to too much of a conversation, he was tired and I was drop dead exhausted, but I simply asked one question before going to bed last night.

"Did you find out if there are any jobs in Santa Claus for you right now?"

His answer was, "I asked, but they don't have any available for a couple months, and this company said I'm done here in August, then they want to send me to North Dakota, because the Israel job doesn't start for a few months after that. After they shut the Toyota plant near town, a lot of people are out of work, including Dawn. She's been laid off for nine months now. There are just less jobs around."

My response was, "Oh."

We said goodnight, I held his hand for a little bit, then rolled over and fell asleep.

I stirred early in the morning, hearing his alarm go off, and was planning on asking him the one question I was dying to know the answer to, since the kids were passed out... but I fell back asleep. I re-woke, grabbed my cell phone and saw that it was before 6am, so he was still driving to work. I ran out to the dock which is kind of far from the house with my pjs on and total bed hair... and placed the phone call to him.

Him: Hey, what's goin' on?
Me: I meant to ask you last night, because things felt a little awkward, and I have to know right now. How much of our conversation do you remember from Friday night?
Him: Not much, I was at the bar Friday and this guy bought me shots and I ended up pretty smashed. Why?
Me: Well, Jon, it's the only reason I am here. I will have to explain it to you later, but at least I know what's going on in that head of yours even if you don't want to own up to it right now. You invited me and asked me to come up here. You begged me to change my plans and come up here so that the kids could be together. I'll explain it to you later, but I just needed to know.
Him: I am so sorry that I don't remember, but I am really glad you are here and you're welcome to stay here. We'll talk about it later.
Me: Ok, have a good day at work.
Him: Ok, talk to you later.

I clicked the phone off, and tears were streaming down my face. I've seen the man totally smashed before, but he always remembers. What's more, he always maintains the same stupid we can't be together line. Something is different this time around, and I don't know what it is yet or what caused him to place the phone call where he spilled his guts, but the tears are falling because I feel like a fool. I left Nashville, surrounded by my friends, because he begged me to come, and now I'm here and I'm not sure if he is trying to cover up his feelings or if he's truly telling me that he just doesn't remember (which I'm not buying).

He's always been a man of his word, he doesn't say anything unless it's what he believes to be true and intends to act on. So for this reason, I'm currently putting together an outline of the phone call on Friday, and he and I will be disappearing tonight for a bit to the deck, because we're about to have a meeting.

I walked back inside at 6am, and wiped the tears from my eyes. I felt embarrassed and just felt like a fool... then I thought about how I belive him so deeply because he was being so straightforward with me on Friday, that I called my parents and my siblings and friends... and rearranged plans to be here. I fell asleep till about 10am, and felt refreshed.

We will have a conversation tonight, and tonight's conversation is going to determine the next few days, but also the course of our relationship from here on out.

Some alone time, without interruption is in order.

*Side note here* - I debated posting this, as it's so personal and honestly doesn't really represent our relationship as a whole. One, he's not a lush or an alcoholic. Two, from our phone call on Friday, he did not sound drunk or incoherent. He was totally present. Three, despite the painful nature of this particular post, I made sure I was committed to posting this blog in an honest manner when I started it. There's no romanticizing or glazing over the parts that aren't as fun. So, to honor that commitment to myself, I am gonna hit that publish post button, and I'll have to update the blog tomorrow about the results of our conversation.

I also had promised to him on Friday, that I would look into his child support information, to see what the laws were in Indiana about if he took a pay cut (same field) to be local, and therefore see his kids more, so I will do some research on that and then I will have an answer for that tonight too. While I'm at it, I'll do my own job search for him and present him with some of the things I've found. I'm a little disappointed it wasn't the first day I was hoping for, but in light of our past interactions, our first days together are usually not all that memorable or romantic. It always seems to take us a day to really open up.

I'm not going into this with high hopes or goals. HE called me, I didn't call him. HE spilled his guts, I didn't spill mine. HE begged me to come here, I didn't ask to. This one is on him and he's got a bit of explainin' to do tonight.

What's interesting, is that I know despite this whole thing, that I still love the stupid lug.

We're in Nashville/Love's Twists and Turns

We arrived in Nashville somewhere around 1am, Central Daylight time. Our detour through Skyline Drive added a lot of drive time. It was a great little excursion though. As Frankie posted, I was really excited to break in the National Parks Annual Pass.

The drive was long, but familiar. I always enjoy long trips because once the kids settle down at night, I usually have a lot of time to think for myself. It's a soul searching kind of drive.

Last night, in particular, was a little different. Frankie was my little co-pilot until about 1am Eastern Standard Time, and ended up crashing out not long after I received a phone call from my good friend Jon.

Jon is the only man I have ever considered marrying after my divorce. I never knew that a love like that existed until the minute I met him. I had always hoped it existed, but never fully believed that love at first sight was something real. I was attracted to him before I officially met him through friends, but with each passing conversation, it was like he was hand delivered and custom ordered just for me. He is such a wonderful man and loves his children with every cell in his body. His daily sacrifices to provide as much as he can for them, make it so he has to work a job that takes him physically away from them. It's wearing on his mind, body and soul. We had talked about creating a life together and settling down in the town where his kids live (he grew up there) ages ago... but he thought it was impossible to be able to survive on a salary if he was at home instead of on the road (significant pay cut) and still be able to provide for his children the way he's used to.

Anyway, I had my own life and divorce paperwork and children's lives to manage, so between the two of us we mutually decided to stay friends and concentrate on our children's lives, and settle our own affairs while remaining in touch, but not being together.

Last night, I got a phone call where he said everything I've waited years to hear... while driving through Tennessee and after arriving. I'm still processing all the information, and I'm still taking time to absorb it. It was fairly simple and straightforward what he said... including "I love you, and always have", "People tell me I look so happy when I'm with you, and I know they're right, I am", and my personal favorite- "I don't just want you in my life, I have realized I need you in my life because it's like there's a hole there that I'm unable to fill with anything else."

I told him we'd have to take it slow and see how it all worked out because while I felt the same, I wanted to make sure he was sure about his revelation. His children are coming in on Thursday to be with him in Maryland for 3 weeks. He invited me and the kids to come up to spend some time with him and his kids (our children have never met each other, but we've met each other's children, because of our situations) and he wanted us to all go to Williamsburg together for a weekend (including a Busch Gardens excursion for the kids).

I had wanted to go to Williamsburg with the kids at some point anyway, but this would be even more perfect. I realize I would be doubling back a bit, but if I can swing it, and in light of recent events, I have no problem cutting my trip in TN back a bit, and then visiting there before heading to Greenville. I'm not willing to make any sort of snap decision right now, but in another day when I finish processing this, I will figure it out. I've got to talk to some of my friends and have them help me sort it out in my head. I need my friends/family so I can bounce this around and make sense of something that still feels surreal. Loving him and creating a home together makes perfect sense to me, but then again, I've loved him for almost two years.

I've wanted to have our children meet for ages, but it has never worked out and has never been possible. I realize I'm going off on a ridiculous tangent, but again, it's just one of those little life altering moments.

He spoke last night about working together to build a home for our children and ourselves. That we both deserved to be happy, and he realized that next to spending time with his children, he is always happiest just spending time in my general presence. He said he can imagine and looks forward to the possibility of growing old with me.

How would you react to that? The one man you've really loved since the very second you met him, years before... and who has always been open and honest that he's had the same feelings, but were both held back through different life situations and responsibilities.... oh, I'm going to have to really think on this some more.

Back to the trip, we arrived at my friend Mark's place in Nashville last night, and the kids and I crashed in his spare bedroom on an air mattress that has a small known leak. By morning, I was sleeping with the kids in an air mattress hammock. Ha! We were all very tired, but thankful to have a soft place to land last night.

After a quick run to Aldi, we grabbed breakfast supplies and I cooked the whole crew here breakfast. Eggs, bacon and buttermilk biscuits. It was delicious.

I've posted some of the pictures on the facebook page of our trip down here... and now we're getting ready to meet up with my friend JJ and her kids to go swimming at the pool in their apartment complex. Later, we'll meet up with Todd and Laura and his kids.

I think I'm going to take some time to figure this out in my head. Until then, I'll be soaking up the Tennessee sun, enjoying my children's laughter and re-thinking the rest of my life while sitting by the pool.

update from the road

We are now in Knoxville and heading towards Nashville.
Took a detour on skyline drive in Virginia. we took a lot of pictures.Mom will post them later.

We were on top of a 3,510 ft. mountain!! i read about it in brochures mom got at convenient store in Virginia. It was also our first use of our National Park Annual Pass. Mom was excited!!

The rest trip though Virginia was long and BORING!!!=[ The girls were being a pain until Mom made them write in their trip journal.

We finally made it to Tennessee and thankfully they went to sleep. Mom made me update the blog.

signed,
Frankie aka co-pilot

And we're off!

Just a quick post to let you know we're heading out! Our trip has BEGUN!

I will post some pictures when we arrive in Nashville to show you my car packing abilities! :) I'm proud!!!!

Keep up with us and don't forget to leave comments or become a fan of our Facebook page! :)

Waving hi to my friend Erin in Denver...

Just had to send a shout out since we're on the phone talking about my trip...

Twitter!

I'm just about finished packing, but I had to add a Twitter page too!

You can follow us at: http://www.twitter.com/singlemomrdtrip

Anyway, I'm still working on packing up the car. We're almost done... Car inspection stickers tomorrow morning at 8:30 and then we're on the road!

Wish me luck and a good night's sleep! :)

Two Days!

Time is flying and I've done more laundry in the past several days just going through ALL our stuff... It's ridiculous how much clothing we have. It's been a great opportunity to DOWNSIZE our existing wardrobes.

Only two days left till we begin our journey. I'm busy, busy trying to make all the last minute preparations, so I don't expect to be on here much until after we arrive in Nashville.

I will post, of course, right before we leave. I'll have to have our neighbors take a picture of us before we roll out. That reminds me to pack the tripod for group shots on the road with the timer! :)

Ok, back to work...

The Donations Tab...and Trip Suggestions

I just want to take a second to address the area off to the right that says "Donations". I didn't have one up there, and it was suggested to me by a friend that I put something up there to give people the opportunity to donate to our trip.

So, if you feel like you have a couple bucks to part with and you'd like to see it going to a single mom with four kids on a job hunt around the nation, then by all means. Thanks! If not, no sweat, just reading the blog and keeping up with our antics is a gift to me!

Also, I would love to hear from people who have viewed our map for our route- to hear if you know of any great stops I should not miss along the way. For instance, my friend recommended Moab, Utah- and it turns out that it's right en route to Las Vegas at about a halfway point, so we're planning on stopping at several of those national parks near Moab.

So, what do you suggest?

T-Minus 4 days and Counting

I am terrified that I am not going to get everything finished in time, although I've been slowly making progress in a great direction for it.

I put together the kitchen rubbermaid and that's finished except for a batch of kitchen towels, a folding colander and the spaghetti spoon (which was in the dishwasher). I started organizing the trunk of the car and I am hoping that I can keep a small jump seat in the back open for the kiddos. Just to give them a bit more space.

I have been doing laundry like crazy and realized that my children, who are normally helpful, are kind of in the way of all my organizing. It's summer, there's no time "off" to get them out of my way so I can get things done fast without kids underfoot. It's slowing me down a little bit.

In addition, I've been tempted to bring along my own laptop, because the mini one and my fingers are not friends. I can't imagine trying to type a series of blogs on a keyboard that's 3/4 size. I've been typing since I was eight years old, on a standard size keyboard. That's well over 20 years of a mental habit, and something I'm not going to break easily. In addition, I don't really want to have to re-learn anything for this trip. So, I'm tempted, but I know that it will require another bag, so I'm debating it. Plus, if I do not take it, I have to program all the connection information for my phone's internet service into the small one. I'm still on the fence.

My goal today is to get all our clothing for the trip packed up. The boys need some more socks and shorts, I need some more shorts, but I think if I pack what we have, and then go from there, I will be able to add as necessary. As for my girls, I miss the days when I had them all in Gymboree clothing bought on deep clearance. I love all the Gymboree stuff because it wears really well, everything matches, and there are hair accessories for every outfit. The girls of course, do not appreciate that right now. We have an assortment of their favorite clothes that I let them pick for the trip, and both of them will end up having their wardrobes replaced with matchy sets from Target for cheap before long, sending their current wardrobes home in a flat rate box.

I had my tent airing out on the backyard table yesterday, during a full day of heat and sunshine, only to realize that last night I left it out there, and overnight... it poured. Guess I'll be shaking it off and starting that process over. Sigh. I wonder if I can throw it in the dryer on air, no heat. I will probably try that to speed the process along and even throw in a fabric softener for a french lavender scent.

Normally I wouldn't be freaked out about having 4 days to pack, as I'm the type who will throw a bunch of stuff in a suitcase and leave town on an hour's notice or less, but I haven't ever planned a trip of this magnitude and I don't really have four days. Tomorrow, the girls are filming as extras in a movie, Blue Valentine, that's being shot up here in PA. So I'm assuming that it will be an all day event. Wednesday morning, I have a doctor's appointment so that pretty much kills the first half of the day for packing.

I've sent off resumes for Nashville interviews, and hopefully will be able to schedule a couple for mid next week.

Well, it's already ten am, and I have a full day ahead of me... so it's probably time that I shut off the computer (I've told the kids there is no internet access today- we're working together today) and get to work.

There's lots to be done. Lots.

Searching for jobs

This trip is going to be fun, no doubt, but it's also a search for new employment. I'm checking out Monster.com, Career Builder and checking company websites in some of the cities that I'll be visiting.

I believe that the economy has to be getting better! I'm sure I can find something in one of the larger cities.

Hopefully by the time school will start again, I will be employed again full time. Until then, I will keep writing, keep painting and keep applying to jobs that seem like they'd be a good fit with a good future.

If I can't find anything, then I'll consider a career change when I return back to this area.

Some supplies... and Miss Mads helping me out!

The "List" - Packing All of Us for a Two Month Excursion!

The largest somewhat insurmountable task that I'm undertaking in the next several days is to pack up all five of us for the summer.

The challenge, is to fit all that I am taking for the summer, in the back seat/trunk area of my 2005 Honda Pilot.

Since I'm too lazy at the moment to actually go outside and TAKE a picture of our Honda Pilot, I have pulled one off the internet.

So you can imagine the space limitations. I may consider purchasing one of those Thule or other brand rooftop containers, but I keep thinking about how I will be able to not only get stuff up there, but get things down easily as well, so that is a concern. Also, the cost of them is somewhat prohibitive to my current budget.

Here is my current packing list.

Children's Clothing/My Clothing

5 shorts
5 shirts
1 hoodie/sweatshirt
1 pair long jeans
5 pairs socks (marked)
5 pairs underwear (marked)
1 swimsuit
1 sandal/flip flop
1 pair sneakers
Toothbrush/Toothpaste/Deodorant, etc
Hairbrush/Accessories
Sleeping Bag/Pillow
(mom) dress and heels (for interviews)
(mom) dress and heels (for week alone in Ft. Laud)
(mom) extra swimsuit - gonna bring one bikini and one full piece
(mom) makeup bag, hair iron (just for the first part of the trip!)

Rolling Kitchen

I intend to carry a "rolling kitchen" with us, to cut down on food costs. I'm still compiling all the items I need for this, but anticipate to have it all stored in a rubbermaid type container. I bought some plastic summer type dishware for the trip, so I can wash and reuse, and not buy or go through a bunch of paper plates or plastic cups. This will save money over the course of the month and also it's friendlier to the environment to cut down on our overall waste. I plan on making sandwiches at every stop, topping off our cooler with ice and drinks, and trying to not pull into a fast food restaurant at all- unless it's a treat (for instance, we don't have In-N-Out Burgers where we live, so for the experience, we would eat out).

Plastic Cups (Reusable!)
Plastic Dinner Plates and Bowls (Reusable)
Plastic Silverware (I had an overabundance of disposable silverware from parties, so I'm planning on using this until I run out, then I will buy a stainless set for everyone at the dollar store)
Napkins
Matches
Lighter
Rival Electric Pan (plugs in and has a lid)
Pot (from the kitchen)
Hotplate
George Foreman Grill (we have this in our kitchen)
Colander (hopefully collapsible)
Spatula
Spaghetti Spoon
Soup Spoon
Cutting Mat
Knives
Dishsoap
Sponge
Kitchen Towels
Paper Towel Roll
Tablecloth
Small Dustpan (picked up one at the Dollar Store)
Small Washbasin (also found at Dollar Store) - the smaller items will sit inside this while traveling.
First Aid Kit (I buy one every spring!)
Small Sewing Kit (hotel style)
Salt/Pepper/Garlic Powder

Campsite Items

Firesticks
Girls Tent
Boys Jr. Tent
Tent LED Lights
Flashlights
Camp Pads
Backpacks (for day hikes)- I may use these to store some of the camping items.

Foodstuff/Storage/Extras

Wet Cooler (ice filled)
Dry Cooler (possibly just a storage container to store our dry goods)
Our "Rolling Office" - already contained primarily in a storage cube. Contains binders, notepaper, crayons, markers and pencils. Each person has a binder for the trip to journal. Also in the cube: Two Road Atlas Books and 1,000 Places To See Before You Die book.
Electronics- Our mini laptop (shared), digital camera, video camera, all cords for all of those things, a mini mouse, earphones and flash drives. The kids will probably pack their DS and games for the trip as well.

So, I'm probably leaving a lot out, but for now, that's the most immediate list I can come up with. I'll probably have to add to it as time goes on.

Another thing that we're planning to do? Cut down on our "load"- as we gather treasures from state to state, we'll be utilizing the US Postal Service's Flat Rate Box! We'll load up a box with stuff we've amassed, then I'll make a note of all things inside, and put a date in marker on the outside of the box and send them home. I've stopped my mail service, but I'm sure the good people at our local post office will take care of our treasures well while we're gone. We can open them once we're at home, in order.

Our Roadmap for the Trip...

Here is a map of our route... courtesy of Google Maps! Click the link to view the full route- Pages 1 and 2!

View SingleMomRoadTrip.com in a larger map.

Follow Us On Facebook...

Become a fan of our Facebook Page and keep up to date with us! Find out where we're headed and where we've been.

Welcome!

I'm embarking on the adventure of a lifetime. I, Audrey, and my four children, ranging in age from 6 to 10 are going on a summer-long road trip across the country.

Some people call me lucky, some people call me crazy... either way, I feel it will be our "Summer of Fun" and a way for me to show these kids just how wonderful our country is.

I've wanted to take a cross-country trip ever since I was a kid. I've wanted to see the Grand Canyon, Mount Rushmore, the Giant Sequoias, Cadillac Ranch and all sorts of other landmarks and national parks that I've only seen in movies.

In addition, I will be scouting potential new job opportunities.

Our trip will be broken up into two parts. The first three weeks or so, we are staying with family and friends. Our first destination is Nashville, TN, where I used to live. We'll be staying there for almost a week, and I'm going to try and interview at least once or twice for a potential new job. After that, we're headed for a weekend at The Farm, in rural Tennessee. The Farm is a working commune that focuses on eco-friendly living. I've been wanting to visit for a long time, and I'm looking forward to spending the weekend with green-thinking individuals.

From The Farm, we're heading east to Greenville, SC, where we will spend a week with my parents and celebrate the 4th of July. Then, we head south to Fort Lauderdale, FL, where the kids get to spend a week with their father, and his side of the family. I, will be enjoying the week alone and relaxing on the beach. Since I went to high school down in Fort Lauderdale and used to work there in the late 90s, early 2000s, I will probably use that time to interview for a few positions in Florida as well.

After I pick the kids up from their dad, I'm heading further south to Key West. One of my friends owns a condo on Key West, so we'll be visiting with her and her family for a few days.

From there, we head north to Tallahassee, then west... The rest of the trip itinerary is somewhat fluid, with stops in New Orleans, Memphis, Little Rock, Dallas, Denver and so on!

We are doing this trip on a serious budget, but I'm still looking for a sponsor who will receive the opportunity to wrap my Honda Pilot with their advertisement (though they must leave space for co-branding with my website- www.singlemomroadtrip.com) and provide us with hotel/motel accommodations as well. A full media inquiry kit is available, just send me an email.

Also, if you're on facebook, you can look up Single Mom Road Trip and you should be able to find our Fan Page. Become a fan and follow along, seeing photos posted and more.

This blog will contain: Photos, Blog Posts from me but also the kids as well, Videos/Slideshows from each of our destinations, as well as en route.

I'm excited. I hope you follow us around the country and I look forward to reading your comments!

Our road trip begins on June 19, 2009. In the coming days, I will be posting about the preparations I'm making to make our trip as easy as possible.